so where was I?

so.....more than a year ago - much more, "our quantum year" is a title we used for a record we wanted to keep recording life changes. With the word “quantum” were we imagining moving from space D way ahead to space Y within a space of 12 months? did we expect a miraculous shift of location , activity and intent?

What I am seeing now is what we set in place with our title was an arrow. A direction. so each week we meet to share and what is evident as a constant is that the flow of life events spreads way outside the lines of anything we might write in a notebook. Not always so dramatic, real events. Or, in some cases, much more dramatic, but not in a way I would choose. Messier. but always different that a plan i write, or a hope i voice. often I’m following a roadmap while having a tantrum. or daydreaming while sweeping floors.

What is illuminating is the view backward - gazing over the days that have passed over a year and more. now there is the landscape that tells the tale. Changes have occurred. The garden is growing and giving clues to the new directions that are invisibly unfolding. “behind” and “ahead”. “then” and “now.” The meanings of those words are not so important anymore.

quantum leap

Now that I have managed to get here, I don't know what to say...I am grateful for the opportunity to work; 4 jobs, different topics, different needs, high level of interest in 3 of the 4 anyway. Need to keep the critic in check and maintain my enthusiasm. Reward? a new laptop. And an updated website. That pretty much takes care of April. There is also the reward of the work itself. The satisfaction of taking someone's work to the next level, polishing, refining, whatever is needed. I will report back next week.

what is bigger than quantum

that is what Mary asked just now. moment by moment. when i was out painting a little canvas, sitting on the patio this past sunday, it was only very gradually that the anxiety of picking up a brush and mixing paint after a 30 year hiatus, eased into enjoying the process with no eye squinting ahead to see a result. questions kept coming up. how do i get this green to be brighter? what am i seeing beyond the tree branch? it took an hour to do the first exercise and then i put all the paints away and set the little landscape on the shelf. fifteen minutes later i got it all out again and tried another painting, sitting in the patio. in some moments, i forgot to ask any questions or think about what i was doing. so that's the ticket as they say. so now there are two little paintings sitting on the shelf giving me ideas. again, how could i make the green brighter but not too white? can you see in the painting of the house where you were trying to get an effect and missed out? daunting questions.

blah blog

Amid the flurry of snow and holiday preparations, I am discombobulated. And tired. Just going through the motions now until ? the day after Christmas? Jan. 6? It's more than too much to do in too little time. It's about the choices we make, especially the ones that feel as if there is no choice because it's what the spouse wants or the child or the grandkid. I am grateful for those relationships but tend to loose myself in them, for better and worse.

I look forward to the new year, the one that will be full of more mindful choices

christmas spirit

i was listening to a talk the other day about giving. what it boiled down to was that if something comes up in my life, an issue of some sort, a problem, before i "do" anything, first look to see what i can give. what do i already know? what gifts do i have that might make a difference? then begin giving that knowledge, wisdom, intuitive action.

this was a welcome message for me to hear in the midst of this busy holiday season. there is a lot of work in the lab - and at the same time many time related tasks to accomplish in the name of giving - gifts to give, calls to make, - and that, i find can tip the equilibrium of hte holiday spirit toward stress or being spread in different directions.

this season above others, i feel the spirit of exuberance pervading the atmosphere. that is the christmas gift i needed.

Hawk

Why is it that Piscean horoscopes always have a timely message for me? Probably the power of suggestion and the desire to find a message in the mundane. At any rate, the horoscope's message coincided with an animal card reading of the Hawk. Since it's a message often repeated in my life, I take it seriously. And it fit the moment when I was focused on the minutiae of my relationship with spouse. Hawk represents big picture, gazing across the open fields, scanning the horizon, soaring above the landscape. I had lost my vision to the myopic. The shift in focus was exactly what I needed.

dogs

mary and i have been looking at dog breeds online. don't let your dog get small dog complex most posts say. that scares me. who would i have to be to haave a dog? i'll just leave the idea to germinate. and see. a good holiday mood pervades the days. my first christmas without family. mom is in her assisted living in spokane. at first i felt blue but it all shifted. there is a curiosity to see how i can match the mood of generosity i feel all around and in the air. today there is a warm balmy feel outside. snow still on teh ground but melting. breezy which is unusual. as if something were about to arrive. a storm. or a warmer front.