well got that sorted out

two weeks ago i weeded the front patch of my yard roses and juniper grow there along with a linden tree and wild california poppies and bachelors buttons. with the cool rainy spring, huge weeds grow almost overnight. so i weeded one afternoon into the evening and noticed that this time as the time before, i quit with just one little patch left untouched. a particularly hard corner to weed as there are rocks and the kind of weeds there are viny and impossible to pull out. they do not yield to round up so have to be cut away. this leftover patch of weeds is now quite robust, seeding themselves and reminding me of the inward template that frustrates going forward. ie the "not quite finishing" syndrome. today mary and i had an energetic conversation about "not quite finishing." today we put our heads together, and downsized our project list - ie let's finish a small project, ignore the host of new ideas, and see where that leads us.

perfection

Somewhere I have a poem I wrote about perfection. The gist of it was 'there ain't no such thing.' So why do I still try to reach it? So many lessons about this coming my way that I cannot begin to deal with each one. The way I will handle this issue at this time and in this place is to embrace the existing website, be grateful to both leroy and eric, then get back to doing my writing. Three trips in the RPOD and I have two weeks to document them before we go out for a fourth. I will mark my progress in the write way. Guess this is what boot camp is all about.

to be or not to be...editor writer gardener...or just be

Laurie has come up with a great way for us to try and sift through the chaff of our creative efforts and see what's left. What kernels are there that we want to see grow into something? Which seed shows the most promise for life beyond it's humble beginnings? Or have they all dried up. Maybe each served its purpose as a mini-record of possibility or as a slight hint at the mind's creative spirit. My hope is that by the beginning of July one of those seeds will become a healthy seedling on its way to full maturity.

june bootcamp

What do i want to be when i grow up? Mary and I are starting - tomorrow - a june bootcamp. we are bringing to the table all of the starts of our past projects. like sprouts in little black plastic containers. and we will sort through our potential garden and see what plants we'll take out of the containers, plant and nurture. or maybe we will take one plant out to put in soil. it doesn't really matter what the plant is. what the journey will be is one of a beginning, middle and end - all encapsulated in the month of june. or what is left of the month of june. should be fun!

off the top of my head i have one childrens' book and illustrations; a travel website and assorted essays that go into that; a light fiction story; some heavier meaning of life writings about going on retreat; letters to my daughters; essays about the different art works i have done; essays about walks down 18th street; and more.

i saw a character in a tv show last night or a movie it was go into his dorm room and shove all of his pile of studies off his desk and take out a pack of cards. what needs to get shoved off the table are all the extraneous activities that don't really matter or bring joy.

what to do now that summer is here

that was a yearly quandary when I was a kid. I would look forward to leaving behind the tests and homework and move into the 'free space' known as summer vacation. Then the what next? would hit. It varied from year to year. Some summers were full of anticipation about the two weeks I would spend with cousins in some cottage, overflowing with people, playing in the sand and water when younger, planning what to wear to the dance in the Pavillion when older. One summer is memorable for the infinite number of double solitaire games I played with Sue. She won nearly every game in the first couple of weeks but by september i had developed into a worthy opponent. then there was the summer of baby-sitting. I will show my age when I say we were paid $0.50 t0 $1.00 an hour. some inverse logic applied: I got fifty cents for refereeing for 4 high strung, unhappy, constantly quarreling children and $1.00 plus tip for sitting for two brothers who were bookworms and needed only to be reminded to stop and eat. Then college summers spent alternately between tutoring kids in migrant camps to working in the office of a shock-absorber manufacturer.
Now? summer means yard work, outdoor eating, and travel. Professionally, this summer I am still asking What next?

work of art

i saw this reality show last night called 'work of art'. featuring artists of very high quality - all ages and genres of art - and it was very inspiring. right away one artist stood out. he said he has ocd...and in a way it was that condition that set him in a realm of his own. for he wasn't competing per se. he was more working against his condition to create a vision that was instantly before his imagination when the moderator gave the challenge. like he was living in the boiling point out of which ideas are born and brought to life. his work, though flawed to his eye, was moving and free from pretense. because his only measurement was his original vision.

more and more i am aware that there is a center core of aliveness - a boiling point - that is humming and never becalmed. and aware too of the unweildy - years in the building - life process that seems to operate me most of the time. a wagon train of self made zoo animals i pull along like mortgage payments, credit card debts, relationship issues, that all go along with lists filled with next steps, strategies to lighten loads, fix problems and bring about simplicity. so the meat of live is a question: can i unhook one or two train cars? life is what we say isn't it?

Synchronicity

I knew instinctively that Laurie would have the key to unlock my stuckness' over the Harvard proposal. She has consistently proven that calmer heads, hers in particular, do and should prevail. I was already minutes away from an anxiety attack prior to this meeting. She gets that; she's been there. And she knew how to get somewhere else. I am filled with gratitude about having Laurie in my life.

steps

The work I do involves many small precise steps. I often have to add tiny increments of porcelain onto a restoration I am working on and put it into an oven to process - a fifteen minute procedure. and one restoration will require several of these finishing touches which can feel maddening esp if i have the end in sight and want to do something else. this past week when i was in the midst of a very difficult situation, the small steps i was doing at the lab transformed into a clear path of action outside of the drama and story going on in "real life." i could zero in on the actual physical process of picking up the porcelain with a fine brush applying the small increment transferring the restoration to a firing tray and on and on. and there was a soothing quality to the actions and to the compressed time zone it entailed. life outside of time is always present. and i was there.