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Amid the flurry of snow and holiday preparations, I am discombobulated. And tired. Just going through the motions now until ? the day after Christmas? Jan. 6? It's more than too much to do in too little time. It's about the choices we make, especially the ones that feel as if there is no choice because it's what the spouse wants or the child or the grandkid. I am grateful for those relationships but tend to loose myself in them, for better and worse.

I look forward to the new year, the one that will be full of more mindful choices

christmas spirit

i was listening to a talk the other day about giving. what it boiled down to was that if something comes up in my life, an issue of some sort, a problem, before i "do" anything, first look to see what i can give. what do i already know? what gifts do i have that might make a difference? then begin giving that knowledge, wisdom, intuitive action.

this was a welcome message for me to hear in the midst of this busy holiday season. there is a lot of work in the lab - and at the same time many time related tasks to accomplish in the name of giving - gifts to give, calls to make, - and that, i find can tip the equilibrium of hte holiday spirit toward stress or being spread in different directions.

this season above others, i feel the spirit of exuberance pervading the atmosphere. that is the christmas gift i needed.

Hawk

Why is it that Piscean horoscopes always have a timely message for me? Probably the power of suggestion and the desire to find a message in the mundane. At any rate, the horoscope's message coincided with an animal card reading of the Hawk. Since it's a message often repeated in my life, I take it seriously. And it fit the moment when I was focused on the minutiae of my relationship with spouse. Hawk represents big picture, gazing across the open fields, scanning the horizon, soaring above the landscape. I had lost my vision to the myopic. The shift in focus was exactly what I needed.

dogs

mary and i have been looking at dog breeds online. don't let your dog get small dog complex most posts say. that scares me. who would i have to be to haave a dog? i'll just leave the idea to germinate. and see. a good holiday mood pervades the days. my first christmas without family. mom is in her assisted living in spokane. at first i felt blue but it all shifted. there is a curiosity to see how i can match the mood of generosity i feel all around and in the air. today there is a warm balmy feel outside. snow still on teh ground but melting. breezy which is unusual. as if something were about to arrive. a storm. or a warmer front.

December 1 -snow day

Slow-moving, easy on the eyes, the whiteness is comforting. Could spend the day in the relative warmth and comfort of the coffee shop listening to the owner's Sinatra standards and sipping my now-cold mocha. I persist for the chocolate on the bottom. This may be the day I say to h--- with bills, files, emails. today may be the day when I open the closet door to my art supplies, take out some stuff at random and see where it leads. My new theme, safe and satisfied, needs to be reinforced over and over until it takes the place of my body's old standard of safe but sad. 62 and I'm still learning or, at least, coming up with new perspectives. On to the next thing; since I battled 8 inches of snow at 6:45 to get here, I think I'll return home via the Y's weight class. Then, let the snow fly some more!

let it snow

Listening to Ella Fitzgerald singing "Let it Snow". sitting at Buzz cafe watching it snow. appreciate it now as everything is supposed to melt away by tomorrow. this morning i swept over six inches off the car and walked in the drifts around the car and front steps. it was so grand to be out, and for a few moments the scenery and timeless aspect of a new snow trumped the small scope of my daily routine. this beauty is right here now.

last night i dreamt two friends and I were in Australia walking along a pathway leading from a country scape to a town. one friend was blind and couldn't walk. so we were describing to him, amazing red leafed trees that lined our path. we described the water and the rows of gorgeous buildings. and i noticed, in the dream, that as i was describing the richness of what was before us, my friend who couldn't see was tilting his head and listening intently, wholly absorbed. and then i knew that he was seeing perfectly well. having a whole experience. we stopped at a little stand and gave the fellow a five. and recieved half a scone. and on we went. why half? we shared it between us.

Australia is on my "always wanted to go" list. if i decided to visit as a concrete plan in a fixed future date, perhaps then the dream would have yielded a whole scone. silly to analyze a dream though.

what today can i generate to make a whole day, outside of yesterday's usual routine of work, lunch, workout, evening activity of some sort. not that cleaning a cupboard can't be illuminating.

i'm ready to look for the magic.