blah blog

Amid the flurry of snow and holiday preparations, I am discombobulated. And tired. Just going through the motions now until ? the day after Christmas? Jan. 6? It's more than too much to do in too little time. It's about the choices we make, especially the ones that feel as if there is no choice because it's what the spouse wants or the child or the grandkid. I am grateful for those relationships but tend to loose myself in them, for better and worse.

I look forward to the new year, the one that will be full of more mindful choices

christmas spirit

i was listening to a talk the other day about giving. what it boiled down to was that if something comes up in my life, an issue of some sort, a problem, before i "do" anything, first look to see what i can give. what do i already know? what gifts do i have that might make a difference? then begin giving that knowledge, wisdom, intuitive action.

this was a welcome message for me to hear in the midst of this busy holiday season. there is a lot of work in the lab - and at the same time many time related tasks to accomplish in the name of giving - gifts to give, calls to make, - and that, i find can tip the equilibrium of hte holiday spirit toward stress or being spread in different directions.

this season above others, i feel the spirit of exuberance pervading the atmosphere. that is the christmas gift i needed.

Hawk

Why is it that Piscean horoscopes always have a timely message for me? Probably the power of suggestion and the desire to find a message in the mundane. At any rate, the horoscope's message coincided with an animal card reading of the Hawk. Since it's a message often repeated in my life, I take it seriously. And it fit the moment when I was focused on the minutiae of my relationship with spouse. Hawk represents big picture, gazing across the open fields, scanning the horizon, soaring above the landscape. I had lost my vision to the myopic. The shift in focus was exactly what I needed.

dogs

mary and i have been looking at dog breeds online. don't let your dog get small dog complex most posts say. that scares me. who would i have to be to haave a dog? i'll just leave the idea to germinate. and see. a good holiday mood pervades the days. my first christmas without family. mom is in her assisted living in spokane. at first i felt blue but it all shifted. there is a curiosity to see how i can match the mood of generosity i feel all around and in the air. today there is a warm balmy feel outside. snow still on teh ground but melting. breezy which is unusual. as if something were about to arrive. a storm. or a warmer front.

December 1 -snow day

Slow-moving, easy on the eyes, the whiteness is comforting. Could spend the day in the relative warmth and comfort of the coffee shop listening to the owner's Sinatra standards and sipping my now-cold mocha. I persist for the chocolate on the bottom. This may be the day I say to h--- with bills, files, emails. today may be the day when I open the closet door to my art supplies, take out some stuff at random and see where it leads. My new theme, safe and satisfied, needs to be reinforced over and over until it takes the place of my body's old standard of safe but sad. 62 and I'm still learning or, at least, coming up with new perspectives. On to the next thing; since I battled 8 inches of snow at 6:45 to get here, I think I'll return home via the Y's weight class. Then, let the snow fly some more!

let it snow

Listening to Ella Fitzgerald singing "Let it Snow". sitting at Buzz cafe watching it snow. appreciate it now as everything is supposed to melt away by tomorrow. this morning i swept over six inches off the car and walked in the drifts around the car and front steps. it was so grand to be out, and for a few moments the scenery and timeless aspect of a new snow trumped the small scope of my daily routine. this beauty is right here now.

last night i dreamt two friends and I were in Australia walking along a pathway leading from a country scape to a town. one friend was blind and couldn't walk. so we were describing to him, amazing red leafed trees that lined our path. we described the water and the rows of gorgeous buildings. and i noticed, in the dream, that as i was describing the richness of what was before us, my friend who couldn't see was tilting his head and listening intently, wholly absorbed. and then i knew that he was seeing perfectly well. having a whole experience. we stopped at a little stand and gave the fellow a five. and recieved half a scone. and on we went. why half? we shared it between us.

Australia is on my "always wanted to go" list. if i decided to visit as a concrete plan in a fixed future date, perhaps then the dream would have yielded a whole scone. silly to analyze a dream though.

what today can i generate to make a whole day, outside of yesterday's usual routine of work, lunch, workout, evening activity of some sort. not that cleaning a cupboard can't be illuminating.

i'm ready to look for the magic.

Boot camp revisited

The one thing I learned from the short but sweet life of Hugo is that one needs to be alert at every waking moment. Hugo was simply the best dog we ever had. He was a lab mix with thick wavy black fur. He had two speeds: overdrive and park. He ran circles around the yard, canal path, dipping in and out of the pond while in overdrive, then respond to my call by coming at a gallop right up me, screeching to a halt and a perfect sit stay, waiting for the treat he could smell in my pocket. He was my constant companion, affectionate, funny - laugh aloud funny - sweet and smart. His only 'fault' was that when he was bored and we weren't watching, he'd slip off to visit neighboring dogs, seek out new smells, etc. That's what killed him. A pickup truck struck him as he ran full speed across the road in response to our calling him home. What I saw in Hugo during his too-short life was his constant waking state of being alert. Not simply open to life's possibilities as most dogs appear to me, but alert to what presents itself. The slight distinction being in the proactive nature of alertness. Openness is exposing oneself to whatever wants to enter and occupy your day, time, person. Alertness is an advanced stage in which you are ready, prepared to step into the opportunity that presents rather than let it pass through you. It is a more pro-active way of being. It requires faith and grace, which Hugo had in abundance.

it's my job

my friend across the street, Bart, came over. he is a dentist in his profession but an artist at heart. he told me that since he has a wife and child now, he has to make art like another job. something he goes to no matter what. so he will get up at 5 am to do some art before going to his office. and i'll see him on a weekend with his ski hat and art gear going out to the river to do plein air painting. he is my inspiration. tomorrow night he is coming over and we will paint green tomatoes from the bag i picked from the garden. a quantum year for me is turning out to be - not about magic. but about the more hands on transformation of sticking to what i said i wanted. "i want to write and be an artist." okay. that is the energy outlet i have to plug into whether it feels like anything or not. in london i drew one thing. the zipper on my suitcase. i sat in the dimly lit guest room and drew on a small piece of paper. one drawing, ten days. a little blip of energy toward "i want to write and be and artist." a spark.

well got that sorted out

two weeks ago i weeded the front patch of my yard roses and juniper grow there along with a linden tree and wild california poppies and bachelors buttons. with the cool rainy spring, huge weeds grow almost overnight. so i weeded one afternoon into the evening and noticed that this time as the time before, i quit with just one little patch left untouched. a particularly hard corner to weed as there are rocks and the kind of weeds there are viny and impossible to pull out. they do not yield to round up so have to be cut away. this leftover patch of weeds is now quite robust, seeding themselves and reminding me of the inward template that frustrates going forward. ie the "not quite finishing" syndrome. today mary and i had an energetic conversation about "not quite finishing." today we put our heads together, and downsized our project list - ie let's finish a small project, ignore the host of new ideas, and see where that leads us.

perfection

Somewhere I have a poem I wrote about perfection. The gist of it was 'there ain't no such thing.' So why do I still try to reach it? So many lessons about this coming my way that I cannot begin to deal with each one. The way I will handle this issue at this time and in this place is to embrace the existing website, be grateful to both leroy and eric, then get back to doing my writing. Three trips in the RPOD and I have two weeks to document them before we go out for a fourth. I will mark my progress in the write way. Guess this is what boot camp is all about.

to be or not to be...editor writer gardener...or just be

Laurie has come up with a great way for us to try and sift through the chaff of our creative efforts and see what's left. What kernels are there that we want to see grow into something? Which seed shows the most promise for life beyond it's humble beginnings? Or have they all dried up. Maybe each served its purpose as a mini-record of possibility or as a slight hint at the mind's creative spirit. My hope is that by the beginning of July one of those seeds will become a healthy seedling on its way to full maturity.

june bootcamp

What do i want to be when i grow up? Mary and I are starting - tomorrow - a june bootcamp. we are bringing to the table all of the starts of our past projects. like sprouts in little black plastic containers. and we will sort through our potential garden and see what plants we'll take out of the containers, plant and nurture. or maybe we will take one plant out to put in soil. it doesn't really matter what the plant is. what the journey will be is one of a beginning, middle and end - all encapsulated in the month of june. or what is left of the month of june. should be fun!

off the top of my head i have one childrens' book and illustrations; a travel website and assorted essays that go into that; a light fiction story; some heavier meaning of life writings about going on retreat; letters to my daughters; essays about the different art works i have done; essays about walks down 18th street; and more.

i saw a character in a tv show last night or a movie it was go into his dorm room and shove all of his pile of studies off his desk and take out a pack of cards. what needs to get shoved off the table are all the extraneous activities that don't really matter or bring joy.

what to do now that summer is here

that was a yearly quandary when I was a kid. I would look forward to leaving behind the tests and homework and move into the 'free space' known as summer vacation. Then the what next? would hit. It varied from year to year. Some summers were full of anticipation about the two weeks I would spend with cousins in some cottage, overflowing with people, playing in the sand and water when younger, planning what to wear to the dance in the Pavillion when older. One summer is memorable for the infinite number of double solitaire games I played with Sue. She won nearly every game in the first couple of weeks but by september i had developed into a worthy opponent. then there was the summer of baby-sitting. I will show my age when I say we were paid $0.50 t0 $1.00 an hour. some inverse logic applied: I got fifty cents for refereeing for 4 high strung, unhappy, constantly quarreling children and $1.00 plus tip for sitting for two brothers who were bookworms and needed only to be reminded to stop and eat. Then college summers spent alternately between tutoring kids in migrant camps to working in the office of a shock-absorber manufacturer.
Now? summer means yard work, outdoor eating, and travel. Professionally, this summer I am still asking What next?

work of art

i saw this reality show last night called 'work of art'. featuring artists of very high quality - all ages and genres of art - and it was very inspiring. right away one artist stood out. he said he has ocd...and in a way it was that condition that set him in a realm of his own. for he wasn't competing per se. he was more working against his condition to create a vision that was instantly before his imagination when the moderator gave the challenge. like he was living in the boiling point out of which ideas are born and brought to life. his work, though flawed to his eye, was moving and free from pretense. because his only measurement was his original vision.

more and more i am aware that there is a center core of aliveness - a boiling point - that is humming and never becalmed. and aware too of the unweildy - years in the building - life process that seems to operate me most of the time. a wagon train of self made zoo animals i pull along like mortgage payments, credit card debts, relationship issues, that all go along with lists filled with next steps, strategies to lighten loads, fix problems and bring about simplicity. so the meat of live is a question: can i unhook one or two train cars? life is what we say isn't it?

Synchronicity

I knew instinctively that Laurie would have the key to unlock my stuckness' over the Harvard proposal. She has consistently proven that calmer heads, hers in particular, do and should prevail. I was already minutes away from an anxiety attack prior to this meeting. She gets that; she's been there. And she knew how to get somewhere else. I am filled with gratitude about having Laurie in my life.

steps

The work I do involves many small precise steps. I often have to add tiny increments of porcelain onto a restoration I am working on and put it into an oven to process - a fifteen minute procedure. and one restoration will require several of these finishing touches which can feel maddening esp if i have the end in sight and want to do something else. this past week when i was in the midst of a very difficult situation, the small steps i was doing at the lab transformed into a clear path of action outside of the drama and story going on in "real life." i could zero in on the actual physical process of picking up the porcelain with a fine brush applying the small increment transferring the restoration to a firing tray and on and on. and there was a soothing quality to the actions and to the compressed time zone it entailed. life outside of time is always present. and i was there.

in the muddle of may

I seem to have two speeds, fast and off. Off means daydreaming, puzzling, eating (slowly), wandering around looking at everything that needs to be done. Fast is, well, trying to do everything that needs to be done while eating, puzzling, and daydreaming. May has been a sadistic month. The sun appears, briefly, to remind us of what we are missing or to promise its return (depending on my mood). Clouds and rain reign. Rain drops give way to hail, then snow. It's MAY, come on now!!! Wind comes and goes but the dreariness remains. Maybe we're more affected by the barometer than we realize. I look forward to June as a leveling off month, mild and breezy. If you know otherwise, please don't tell me.

clear skies ahead

I had two back to back vacations with all the work turmoil surrounding getting out of town. getting home there was hardly time to think about the past weekend and how fun it was - layers of work to get rotating in sync with schedules were next up. it is raining today, but i foresee a break in the work schedule. the weeds in the yard are looking pretty tempting. time for a breather. or more like a breather comes to scoop me up from the norm of busy-ness. like getting out of a train you have been on for hours, once you are standing on the solid pavement of the station platform you have to look around a bit to see where you are. to see where the exit signs are to your arrival point. the sunlight gleams through the open station door and you move towards it. The stairs lead up and out.

lost

The critic is back. The 'you can't do this. who do you think you are' naysayer is present and accounted for. Consequently, I am doing nothing except reacting to whatever presents as a distraction. Within the last few days those distractions have included: a funeral, a new golf cart, bridge night- which leads to more distractions and delays on my path, like cleaning house- bills, MCPOA elections, dog in need of exercise, flowers in need of picking (or so I'd like to think), and a trip to the therapist to discuss how bogged down and unproductive I have become. Laurie has given me a different perspective to walk away with. One of a productive, if overly-committed, person.

gardens

i have a new garden that i haven't spent time with yet. first i went to uk. then work work work. now portland. so the garden is patient. glad it is raining lately. when I get back will be time to tend to the garden. was musing about that term, "when i get back." or, "when i get caught up in the lab..." so it is a "then what" kind of expectation. as if real life will happen after trudging through work. or experiencing a hasty trip. so figuratively i can scoop toward the center all outward looking. ie right now is the adventure. even if i am just on my way to vacuum mom's apartment. stay right in the present adventure and give it the honor of being an adventure in the first place.

quantum quandary

It's good to be able to keep learning...new ways of looking at life, new approaches to old problems, even new people to discover and learn from. Not sure I have much to add today. I need to revise my current query and get that off my plate. Then take up the next task on my to-do list.

layers

rich life. the spirit animating details of every moment. the irises growing very tall this spring. i decide which road to take standing at a crossways after hearing a friend's perceptive observation. it is all ready to speak as i listen. the whole point is to open up constantly but to also be aware that the new directions will necessarily close up and edit down old routes to familiar destinations. today's angst is tomorrows new life. the trick is to stay at the edges of self imposed narratives i e don't create dramas, stories that can only dull down new story that is emerging always.

cloudy day

i read an email from a friend today and she brought up that she always tends to "futurize" her life because she was so busy. as i prepare to go to uk next week her comment makes a lot of sense. to get out of town requires a huge output of energy. work in the lab is stacked up. and have to get mom's pantry filled up. her medications on track. watering the yard arranged. so what is on today's menu? the landscaper is coming. it is a beautiful cloudy day. cool and fresh. just look at this day. relax. you know the list is there. write it all out and then relax some more. and take time to sink underneath the busyness - that is where life is happening in technicolor rather than the blended shades of beige and greenish brown of a normal day. show up for that meeting in the underground and all will sort itself out up on top.

No preparation required. The beauty of blogging is that it is in the moment, no forethought, no drafts. If I want to discuss the endearing qualities of my new dog, I could. But I won't. I want to note that I have a 3-day window of downtime in which to edit our website, set my business journal in order, and finish last year's accounting. I like the ebb and flow of this professional life, in spite of (or maybe because of) its unpredictability. It contains a blend of tasks, both type and context, that is perfect for my ADD mind. With gratitude, I remain open to the professional opportunities presented by this generous universe.

Buddha

I don't know what to write about. Maybe just documenting my current state would be useful to me down the road, when I stray off the path. I am happy, at peace -if only you, imagined reader, knew how unpeaceful, war-like, resentful I have been for most of my waking moments, you then could see what a big shift has taken place. or not. after all, this is an internal light, a warm glow in the solar plexus that kindles love, compassion, gratitude. No need to iterate my many many blessings. I want to just sit with this moment, then string along more moments of this thing - Grace.

focus, letting go

had a funny experience of getting sidetracked this weekend. virtuously i'd planned to do illustrations for my book. then got that email forwarded from the fine art site. a young woman wrote saying she loved my art and wanted to do a paper on me for college and she sent seven questions about art - would i answer them?. so i spent a day answering questions about art - my process, artists i like etc. sent them off. no answer. sent a follow up. no answer. did i just do a take home exam for someone? or?? did it occur to me to ask her more about the project first? no. my ego was inflated and I got sidetracked and took a ride. no matter. my focus is to complete the drawing for my book by the time i go to uk. easy to look at the time line and alot x amount for each drawing. at the same time life is fluid, unpredictable and lively. i hang onto my intention as i'm being pulled through the swirling currents of life. having fun.

wednesday

i was reminded yesterday of a line from a poem by ts eliot. "...the still point of the turning world..." some times in contemplating newness in life, old life seems to be tapping its foot impatiently. "don't forget you have to complete ten tasks and then do your mother's grocery shopping... before you can play."

early this morning i thought about the still point. i shifted the thinking away from the to do list. and imagined the still point flowing out as activity that is a natural outflow of the as yet unknown. sure the list is still in my pocket. it will be a busy day. but allow for a porous day too. let newness stream in through the pores of the usual in unexpected ways. and breathe newness out as well. do something unusual. like yesterday i tried a new technique in the lab. and of course ran into problems so had to come up with new solutions to fix the problem. the whole day felt different. curiosity - keeping curiosity alive - that's it isn't it?

teaching an old dog

I should view learning as a gift at my age. I mean, my ability to take in new info about the limitations of my knowledge and, yes, expertise. It's good to be able to acknowledge that i do not know everything about editing and writing or, when i feel especially open-minded, that I don't know everything about anything. Who could? Anyway, in an effort to keep the mind sharp, I welcome my 'lessons' as gifts from the universe designed to keep me thinking critically, taking in new info, and - the - hardest task - assimilating that new info into my everyday life and work. Namaste.

posting alert

in a good drawing or painting the space around the subject is as important as the subject itself. in a great painting the perfect balance of space, light, subject and artist's soul sings to the eye. and an unspoken, unthought, conversation between artist and seer begins.

so it goes the same way in a good day. or a great day. space. last week i was operating on no space. no listening. doing doing doing all the frantic doing toxified my days. crowded in on me. burst like little unexpected grenades of crisis and irritating minutae. the more crowding, the more strategizing on my part, the more doing.

space why not sit down for five minutes and give up? why not take a walk? why not call Mary? why not? think of this day like your composition. are the face and hands of the day going to press against the edges of the paper? compose with a light touch. allow some breathing room. enjoy a big white open area of raw paper. ask. listen. kick back as they say. keep it simple and light. make a joke. as the buddhist says drop the story line.

Looks like I am over the hump...apropos of hump day, today, Wednesday. In case someone reads this and thinks that "humping" is a sexual act, well, it can be but in this context it's a term from rail yards. Yes, I lived near a huge, multi-track, intensely busy railroad yard for a couple of years.

Anyway, this yard contained a couple of artificially built mounds or small hills over which a railroad track was laid. This mound was called a hump. When large trains (some 200+cars), with 2-4 engines at each end, needed to 'download' some of their coal cars or wheat cars or lumber cars, they would back slowly, arduously, up onto a hump. At the point in the train where an uncoupling of the unwanted cars was needed, someone would manually operate the coupling mechanism between cars and, with a little extra push by the engine, the uncoupled section of train would roll down the opposite side of the hump, sometimes faster than the engine backed up the cars.

So, over the hump has this industrial origin. In the common vernacular we call Wednesday hump day because "it's all downhill after Wednesday." Meaning that we have maanged to climb through our work week and made it to Wednesday, after which we had only 2 more days to endure before the weekend.

Blog blahs

Blog, blag, blah, blah, blah…so much going on in my life and so little worth writing about.

There’s Hugo the Huge. Our new black retriever mix has settled in so well. He seemed to be eager to bond and went from spouse’s side to mine all evening long. And he peed on every tree on our property, no small feat, then twice, thrice.

My work, goddess willing, is very promising. I really like playing with words, concocting strategies, marketing plans, proposals. Okay, so this is just the first but it’s a good one.

And then there are my relationships. Nearly a week spent with Linda doing my (our) favorite things: watching movies, playing scrabble, doing yoga, and skiing. What a gift her friendship has been, is, and, I hope, will continue to be.

Linda’s visit was followed by a brief weekend with my daughter Jennifer. More skiing, scrabble, yoga. Jennifer’s energy is enlivening to all around her. Her quest for purpose is noble and unwavering. Having her in my life is pure joy.

My partner Laurie has inspired me to pursue this work of writing, editing, strategizing. Only with her support can I be successful. She is steadfast in her belief in a benevolent Universe, one that bestows great things on those who seek.

So, I’m glad I blogged today. It allowed me to take a piece of time in which to be grateful.

no snow day

Sometimes i feel like every day is a snow day. I seem to get nothing of importance done. Solitaire Scrabble, sudokus, cleaning out a closet, cleaning up the kitchen, talking to a loved one on the phone. Then it's dinner time and I am out to lunch! Last night was emergency pizza. Hadn't managed to get to the grocery store. If this didn't bother me so much, it'd be laughable..."Do something different today." We shall see.

feet on the ground

had a good shot of reality yesterday about movement. about the flow of life. this is what i saw. the flow of life is NOT going to flow into my limited storybook concept. so visiting the notion of a quantum year....well of course i was envisioning a storybook result. ie freedom from work as i know it into travel, other emplyment, new outfits etc. so. at work saturday a wave of resistance and panic began to rise up - an indignation about working on saturday.

so i got very present and there is a way to put my feet on the ground of where i am in the instant. and i got into what i was doing just at that very moment. a writing teacher once told me "don't rush." so i applied that principle in my work process in that instant. ah then the flow of quantum space opened up. the resistance dissipated in the new found curiosity to see how the slowing down would effect the next part of the process. curiosity in any moment is the quantum ingredient. stepping my feet into the ground of being right at the moment.

what's in a year?

My New Year's Day was January 15, 2010, the first new moon of this auspicious decade. All prior ramblings were preambles to the real thing. NOW. When I make my 2 phone calls today, I will celebrate the coming out of Editors2.com. Then I can broaden my consciousness (and my list) for ever-expanding commitments of time and energy to my new professional undertaking. In earnest, for real, for the rest of my life...I will give my self 2 new moons (Feb. 14, March 15) during which to adopt a DAILY habit of working on my purpose. Before the 3rd new moon (April 14), I will say "it's a go," or "I'm on the wrong track."

year's review

Hmmmm. "Our quantum year" beginning is some months behind us and how I've taken it for granted. I superstitiously announced "oh this is to be a quantum year" and then went back to business as usual, as if an intention has arms and legs of itself. this new year ambience that comes in january is an ideal time to refresh the energy bank of "our quantum year."

Let me pretend there is a landscape on a piece of high quality art paper in front of me. beside me I have boxes of pencils, pastels, paints of every kind and quality. i can move myself outside, stay indoors, find sun or shade, sit down or stand up. I pick blue or green knowing there won't be any thunderous voice to protest "oh no that isn't the right shade of blue!" this new year is a good time to set my feet on this always new earth and find a zone of awareness of all possibility. then decide and move forward.