in the muddle of may

I seem to have two speeds, fast and off. Off means daydreaming, puzzling, eating (slowly), wandering around looking at everything that needs to be done. Fast is, well, trying to do everything that needs to be done while eating, puzzling, and daydreaming. May has been a sadistic month. The sun appears, briefly, to remind us of what we are missing or to promise its return (depending on my mood). Clouds and rain reign. Rain drops give way to hail, then snow. It's MAY, come on now!!! Wind comes and goes but the dreariness remains. Maybe we're more affected by the barometer than we realize. I look forward to June as a leveling off month, mild and breezy. If you know otherwise, please don't tell me.

clear skies ahead

I had two back to back vacations with all the work turmoil surrounding getting out of town. getting home there was hardly time to think about the past weekend and how fun it was - layers of work to get rotating in sync with schedules were next up. it is raining today, but i foresee a break in the work schedule. the weeds in the yard are looking pretty tempting. time for a breather. or more like a breather comes to scoop me up from the norm of busy-ness. like getting out of a train you have been on for hours, once you are standing on the solid pavement of the station platform you have to look around a bit to see where you are. to see where the exit signs are to your arrival point. the sunlight gleams through the open station door and you move towards it. The stairs lead up and out.

lost

The critic is back. The 'you can't do this. who do you think you are' naysayer is present and accounted for. Consequently, I am doing nothing except reacting to whatever presents as a distraction. Within the last few days those distractions have included: a funeral, a new golf cart, bridge night- which leads to more distractions and delays on my path, like cleaning house- bills, MCPOA elections, dog in need of exercise, flowers in need of picking (or so I'd like to think), and a trip to the therapist to discuss how bogged down and unproductive I have become. Laurie has given me a different perspective to walk away with. One of a productive, if overly-committed, person.

gardens

i have a new garden that i haven't spent time with yet. first i went to uk. then work work work. now portland. so the garden is patient. glad it is raining lately. when I get back will be time to tend to the garden. was musing about that term, "when i get back." or, "when i get caught up in the lab..." so it is a "then what" kind of expectation. as if real life will happen after trudging through work. or experiencing a hasty trip. so figuratively i can scoop toward the center all outward looking. ie right now is the adventure. even if i am just on my way to vacuum mom's apartment. stay right in the present adventure and give it the honor of being an adventure in the first place.

quantum quandary

It's good to be able to keep learning...new ways of looking at life, new approaches to old problems, even new people to discover and learn from. Not sure I have much to add today. I need to revise my current query and get that off my plate. Then take up the next task on my to-do list.

layers

rich life. the spirit animating details of every moment. the irises growing very tall this spring. i decide which road to take standing at a crossways after hearing a friend's perceptive observation. it is all ready to speak as i listen. the whole point is to open up constantly but to also be aware that the new directions will necessarily close up and edit down old routes to familiar destinations. today's angst is tomorrows new life. the trick is to stay at the edges of self imposed narratives i e don't create dramas, stories that can only dull down new story that is emerging always.