statute of limitations

I had a letter from my ex today who has reunited with our oldest daughter after several years and is tentative at best with our other daughter. He asked about their finances and alluded to our putting our heads together to see how we could help.

A surge of reaction settled upon me and I morphed into a dreamlike beach scene. I was standing at the shoreline while memories and resentments about my ex and about money came washing ashore like waves streaming in from infinity. some waves almost toppled me over. others eddied around my feet. the inner voice that makes pronouncements began to exhort and list dates, times, reasons why. "you could have made a difference if you'd paid the amount of blah blah blah ..." and it all boiled down to "you owe me." waves of digits and sums adding up years of red ink.

or forwarding to the present:...."when you tell me about your trips to far places and your big bank account i get mad."

so i churned up self righteous lists of events that caused other events which hand held and walked me to this moment. that's a lot of years of walking and remembering.

then I thought of something else. "you owe me" is a condensation of an attitude and belief system I may have brought into this lifetime. who knows from whence it came. and my ex is a character merely drummed into being to reinforce this myth. ie who is the boss here? who has the baton? do i want to keep this play going for another thirty years?

and in a breath the resentment vanished, the waves disappeared, and the self righteous enumeration chugged to a halt in mid chronology - i was only up to the mid 1990's.

shook myself off and completed my day in the lab. watched an old stewart granger movie with nary a twinge of resentment. "i've been healed" as they say in the movies. so on to the vision statement.!!